Worst Trend Ever: The 80's Coming Back

You'd think that the worst things in life would go away and hide once their time had come. You'd be wrong. They say (who is "they" anyway?) those that do not remember history are doomed to repeat it. People clearly weren't paying attention in the 80's. All of the worst from the 80's are making their triumphant returns.

Have you noticed how awful the average person looks? Often it is because they are stuck in the 80's. Maybe this was the best time of their life, or maybe they can't afford to get current. Not to worry, the 80's have come back (those people still look awful, even if they are now semi with the times). What follows is THE WORST of the 80's which has come back up like this mornings Schlitz:

1. Tie Dye. Is this serious? I suppose it could be argued that Tie Dye was more of a 70's phenomenon, but it feels 80's to me. This was an awful idea in 1982, and it's worse now. So let me get this right... I'm supposed to tie my shirt up in different areas with twine and dunk it in various colors. When I unwrap it, it'll be awesome. Uh, no. As a rule of thumb, if a 6 year-old can prefect a design technique I'm staying clear of the results.



2. The Gumby. No, not Gumby, The Gumby. Why would I want my hair to look like a ski jump? This was never a good idea. I'm inclined to give Bobby Brown a free pass cause he's Bobby Brown, but, I'm at least partially sure BB's Gumby is responsible for Whitney Houston's CrackWhoreishness. Don't believe me, look up the dates. The timing can't be a coincidence. This sloping style was bad then. It's THE WORST now. Yes, Brandon Jennings, I'm talking to you.
* Other offending styles I've seen recently: The Step, which is really just a modified Gumby (see Tupac in Juice),mo and faux hawks, and The Lines. Why cut lines in your hair? No, it doesn't look like your head is moving. On second thought, maybe you were going to compose a symphony.



3. Tight Pants on Guys. This is an abomination. In the 80's it was cool to peg your jeans. Don't ask me why this was cool (I didn't do it), but it was. The result was hideous funnel kind of look - tight as all hell down at your shoe tops and a little looser up top. Not loose enough, but looser. We couldn't just let that be? We had to go a step farther? Go to whatever mall is close to you and have a look around. You will see guys with pants so tight you can count the loose change in their pockets. Yo, my man, I don't need to know that you have 82 cents left after riding the bus here so that you could check out the sale rack at Zumiez. Fellas, If you can't fit a Zack Morris in your pocket, your pants are too tight. One of these days I'll make a conversion chart, but in the mean time... If you don't work for the Fox News or live in Delaware, Rhode Island, or Maine, you should NEVER wear pants that "fit". Especially jeans. If your pants stay up without a belt, they are too tight. Here's how to figure it for those mathematically inclined: put on a pair of pants that give you little room in the waist. Nothing crazy, just comfortable. You could probably fit a size smaller, but these fit a little big. Note the number of the waist in inches. This is NOT your size. Your size is 2 inches bigger in dress pants. Your size is 4 inches bigger in Jeans. You are not in a play, don't wear tights.



P.S. There is one thing returning from the 80's I can get down with: The Expendables. This is the 80's at its BEST. Stalone, Willis, Arnold. Dolph. Together. In a movie. BEST. Thing. Ever. I will see this multiple times in the theater. Sadly Steven Segal isn't join in the fun. Van Damme is also absent. Maybe he is "getting in character" for Breakin 3. If the picture to the right isn't immediately recognizable to you, do yourself a favor a search for "Van Damme Breakin" on youtube.