Worst Talk Show Host Ever: Tyra Banks

So I'm not sure if "worst" is the best word to describe Tyra, because she does spark a lot of interesting discussions about being black, her fatness, and other people's fatness, but I think the better word might be "craziest". This girl is a crazy mofo. Literally I don't think anyone else on TV could get away with putting on an unflattering swimsuit, speaking in one word sentences, slapping her body, beginning to cry, and then finally saying "KISS MY FAT ASS". This is ridiculous! Why don't I have a talk show? I could do all of these things while making sure that my hair does not get caught in my mouth at a really awkward angle.

Another thing that confuses me is how she gives out "advice" like its the newest vaseline product. “Take responsibility for yourself because no one's going to take responsibility for you,” says the woman who went undercover as a fat person, a homeless person, and a man. Because she is a renegade undercover agent for every possible profession and/or core identifier, she knows what its like to suffer from discrimination. She also knows how to compliment women on their badonkadonks, while at the exact same time criticizing the lack of severity in the whites of their eyes. She is one word: TALENT. Tyra, I am truly sorry that your show was canceled. Maybe you can start a news program where you only report on the issues of fat, homeless, manly women? I'm pretty sure that that's your audience...

Best Restaurant Ever: Chevy's

Some people talk about Christmas and Halloween and how those are the best holidays. Those people are wrong. Birthdays are by far the best holidays because they provide an opportunity to go to the best restaurant in the world: Chevy's. For some reason, people don't seem to appreciate Chevy's. They write it off as an overpriced chain restaurant that serves average Mexican food, which has been watered down to appeal to Americans. But again, those people are wrong.
Chevy's not only provides a fine dining experience; but it also delivers top notch food, service, the atmosphere of a traditional Mexican restaurant, and a great Happy Hour. Let's begin with the incredible décor. When I go out for a nice meal, I most definitely want to see various nets hanging on the wall, brightly colored geometric shapes, and faux rustic furniture. The "South of the Border" influences can be seen all throughout the warehouse like space. Now for the food. I am 100% positive that the creators of the TexMex menu have laced everything with coke, because from the beginning of the meal until its end, I never want to stop eating. The freshly made tortillas are like eating money, while the chips and salsa are the bread winners.
So for my birthday, if you are ever looking for a gift idea, just consider a $1000 Chevy's gift card...

Best Plant Ever: Bamboo

When I think of Bamboo, I think of the Pandas at the San Francisco Zoo. Those fat bastards would sit there all day long and eat big chunks of that junk. They loved that stuff so much, you could throw one of those famous, SF Zoo Pink Popcorn bars into the cage and those gumpy, black and white bums wouldn't pay it any mind.








Well it turns out Bamboo has many other uses. I slept in some sheets made of Bamboo last night and woke up with a spring in my step and a positive outlook on the day (it only took 2 emails at work to kill my positivity). A quick glance at wikipedia, and I discovered that from Bamboo you can make; clothes, flooring, fencing, a bicycle, a Chinese bridge, musical instruments and a salt-water filter.

My research has led me to the solution to all of the world's environmental problems; slash and burn the rain forests, plant Bamboo, give Michael a Nobel Prize. You're welcome world.

Worst Vacation Ever: Camping

So let me get this straight, I have some time off work and you want me to give up all the comforts and amenities that I've worked to acquire and go sleep in a tent? No thanks, you go ahead.

I've heard all arguments for camping:
"You can get really drunk", I can do that at home.
"You can get away from it all", what am I running from?

I've never understood the allure of camping, it just doesn't make sense. I own a bed, I'll pass on a sleeping bag. There's a hierarchy to sleeping arrangements, it goes, outside, outside with a tent and finally, indoors. If I was caught up in some form of natural disaster, I'm sure a tent would seem like a gift straight from Jesus, but until then, I'll be sleeping inside.

Worst Brothers Ever: Michael and Aaron

After witnessing Michael and Aaron's complete lack of devotion to this blog, I have come to realize that they are the worst brothers ever. Maybe, by posting, Michael and Aaron can redeem their status of Best Brothers Ever. But until then, they are the worst.

Best TV Channel Ever: MTV

As a professional TV watcher and a budding TV connoisseur, I can say with all confidence that MTV is the best channel on TV. There is no place where I can watch a show about 16 year old pregnant girls and then right after watch a show about a professional skateboarder and his body guard best friend playing tricks on their family members. The cornucopia of various reality shows, animated dramas, comedy shows, prank shows, and the occasional music-based show creates a viewing sensation unlike anything else. MTV is the farmers market of the TV world. Real World is your staple organically grown green apple (a show you can always rely on season after season), while a show like Next is similar to a bunch of raspberries (you watch it, but it turns out that most of the episodes are bad...).

16 and Pregnant and Real World/Road Rules Challenge are the gems of MTV. 16 and Pregnant with its drama and intensity is a guaranteed tear jerker. It delves into the lives of your average teenager dealing with a very adult problem... The raw emotion present is something no one can do without. RW/RR Challenge however is the show to watch when wanting to experience 20-somethings competing for money in the middle of nowhere when given access to an endless supply of alcohol and a limited supply of maturity. A side note: the cinematography in RW/RR Challenge is Emmy worthy.

My only objection to MTV is the one show that has to do with music: TRL. TRL may be the WORST show on TV, all of TV, including Cold Case (yuck), CSI: Miami (ewww), and That 80's Show (what?).

Best Salesman Ever: Vince Offer

I am thoroughly convinced that Vince Offer is the greatest salesman in the history of TV infomercials. Sorry, Aaron, but Mr. T has nothing on the master of the ShamWow and the Slap Chop. I mean let's be honest, I know that I'm going to get the best deal from someone with the last name "Offer".

After watching the ShamWow infomercial upwards of 40 times, I know the entire breakdown of the towel that works when both wet and dry. Did you know that it holds 20X its weight in liquid? And of course I trust the ShamWow and more importantly Vince, becuase Vince told me that it was developed by the Germans and "you know the Germans always make good stuff." Last time that I cut out a portion of my shag carpet and put it on my counter, I too spilled a 2-Liter of Cola! I initially thought that my shag carpet was ruined, but then I remembered watching Vince with his ShamWow...



I also always trust a man who can keep his hoes in line.

Best Outfit Ever: Mr. Coney Island

I honestly don't think any explanation is necessary. Hands down, no questions asked, this is the best outfit I have ever seen in my 17+ years of existence.

Worst Thing Ever: Generic Toilet Paper

Of all the terrible things in the world, generic toilet paper must be the worst. You know those commercials where they soak up various blue liquids (don't ask me what those are because they freak me out too) with different types of toilet paper? Well, the toilet paper used at my high school would most likely disintegrate when put up against a light mist, let alone any sort of blue liquid. I might as well use the toilet seat covers, which surprisingly seem to have a much greater durability than the worst toilet paper in the world.

My high school charges 30,000 dollars worth of tuition and I have to subject myself to the thinest of all paper products? Usually I demand at least a quality 3 ply toilet paper. But the high school administration is disgracing my body with a simple 1/2 ply (which when not used properly can cause chaffing, redness, and irritability). This lack of charity that the administration is showing us by forcing us to use this abomination of a paper product is really concerning. I'm assuming that the administration was dealing with some serious financing dilemmas and decided that no one would notice if they went the cheap Costco route for toilet paper... Well they guessed wrong. I LOVE COSTCO, but no one and I repeat no one likes your 12 cent per 100 sheet toilet paper. Maybe stick to producing cheese in bulk, I think that's where the money is.

Worst TV Show Ever: Two and a Half Men

Does anybody have a programming contact at CBS? I need to know who gave the green light to Two and a Half Men. The person who decided this abortion of a show should be featured in prime time is either retarded or super retarded. I'm in a unique position to comment on this show, because I've never watched an episode. All I know about this show is what I've seen in commercials. From what I can tell, Charlie Sheen and the other dude are either brothers, gay brothers or a gay couple that is raising a fat kid. To be honest, I don't really care what their relationship is, this can't be funny, it's just not possible. When your plot is stolen from an 80s movie staring Steve Guttenberg, Tom Selleck and Ted Danson, you don't belong on my TV. The next time I see Charlie Sheen, he better be wearing a Cleveland Indians jersey and singing "Wild Thing".

Best Cooking Device Ever: FlavorWave Oven Turbo

Have you seen this thing? It uses infrared, Halogen heat, and a bunch of other scientific concepts that no one understands and probably don't work to cook food to perfection. They are probably junk, and no, I would never buy one. Why is it the BEST cooking device ever, you ask. Simple. Mr T. is in the infomercial. I would buy anything from Mr. T. No government agency or board of certifiers can bring the instant credibility Mr T. brings. Admittedly, Mr. T seems like a strange choice to sell cookware. How is he not doing Cash for Gold? This obvious oversight must be corrected immediately. But, the oddness of Mr T selling ovens pales in comparison to Paunch from CHIPSselling acreage. No, Erik, I don't want a getaway in Bella Vista, Arkansas. No, it doesn't matter how cheap it is. This should be a new game: Combine an 80's TV star with the strangest infomercial they could appear in. I'll start you out with one: How about Uncle Jesse from Full House telling me how to buy real estate with no money down. That would be magic.

Anyway, back to Mr. T. Is there anything that you wouldn't buy from Mr. T? I can't think of anything. Cars, yep. A Laptop, check. Lawn equipment, yessir! Whatever Mr. T is selling, I'm buying. That is why The FlavorWave Oven Turbo is the BEST cooking device ever.

All this Mr. T talk got me thinking about how much I loved the A Team. Great show. I'm sure the movie will be fantastic, with one exception: Why isn't Mr. T playing Mr. T? I'm a Rampage Jackson fan and all, but who is better suited to play Mr. T than Mr. T? This is an outrage. Perhaps a boycott is in order.

Worst Lie Ever: Breakfast the Most Important Meal of the Day

The American public is being swindled, bamboozled, led astray. Since birth we've been told that "Breakfast is the Most Important Meal of the Day" and we just accept it. The egg growers, the pig farmers, the orange growers and the oatmeal makers must have gotten together around a conference room table and came up with this lie. I bet they're having a good laugh about it right now.

Think about it for a second. We traditionally eat three meals a day, breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you tell me breakfast is "Most Important Meal of the Day", what you're really telling me is that if I can only choose meal, I should choose breakfast. Really? I'm not buying it. If I'm stuck out in the desert and I've got enough food for one meal, I'm not eating it at 8:00am because Wilford Brimley told me to. In fact, why would I ever listen to what Wilford Brimley has to say about food, he has "Diabeetus"?

Best Idea Ever: KFC Double Down Sandwich

I can't come up with the words to describe how excited I am about the new "Double Down Sandwich" from KFC.

I want to say it's the best thing since sliced bread, but this sandwich is so great it doesn't need sliced bread. Hell, it throws up the middle-finger to bread all together. If you can't tell by the picture, it's bacon, cheese and a special sauce (Thousand Island dressing, because every special sauce is Thousand Island dressing) sandwiched between two fried chicken fillets. Why didn't I think of this? I'm disappointed in myself. I haven't tried one yet, but I assume once I do, I'll have no use for bread ever again.

Worst Trend Ever: The 80's Coming Back

You'd think that the worst things in life would go away and hide once their time had come. You'd be wrong. They say (who is "they" anyway?) those that do not remember history are doomed to repeat it. People clearly weren't paying attention in the 80's. All of the worst from the 80's are making their triumphant returns.

Have you noticed how awful the average person looks? Often it is because they are stuck in the 80's. Maybe this was the best time of their life, or maybe they can't afford to get current. Not to worry, the 80's have come back (those people still look awful, even if they are now semi with the times). What follows is THE WORST of the 80's which has come back up like this mornings Schlitz:

1. Tie Dye. Is this serious? I suppose it could be argued that Tie Dye was more of a 70's phenomenon, but it feels 80's to me. This was an awful idea in 1982, and it's worse now. So let me get this right... I'm supposed to tie my shirt up in different areas with twine and dunk it in various colors. When I unwrap it, it'll be awesome. Uh, no. As a rule of thumb, if a 6 year-old can prefect a design technique I'm staying clear of the results.



2. The Gumby. No, not Gumby, The Gumby. Why would I want my hair to look like a ski jump? This was never a good idea. I'm inclined to give Bobby Brown a free pass cause he's Bobby Brown, but, I'm at least partially sure BB's Gumby is responsible for Whitney Houston's CrackWhoreishness. Don't believe me, look up the dates. The timing can't be a coincidence. This sloping style was bad then. It's THE WORST now. Yes, Brandon Jennings, I'm talking to you.
* Other offending styles I've seen recently: The Step, which is really just a modified Gumby (see Tupac in Juice),mo and faux hawks, and The Lines. Why cut lines in your hair? No, it doesn't look like your head is moving. On second thought, maybe you were going to compose a symphony.



3. Tight Pants on Guys. This is an abomination. In the 80's it was cool to peg your jeans. Don't ask me why this was cool (I didn't do it), but it was. The result was hideous funnel kind of look - tight as all hell down at your shoe tops and a little looser up top. Not loose enough, but looser. We couldn't just let that be? We had to go a step farther? Go to whatever mall is close to you and have a look around. You will see guys with pants so tight you can count the loose change in their pockets. Yo, my man, I don't need to know that you have 82 cents left after riding the bus here so that you could check out the sale rack at Zumiez. Fellas, If you can't fit a Zack Morris in your pocket, your pants are too tight. One of these days I'll make a conversion chart, but in the mean time... If you don't work for the Fox News or live in Delaware, Rhode Island, or Maine, you should NEVER wear pants that "fit". Especially jeans. If your pants stay up without a belt, they are too tight. Here's how to figure it for those mathematically inclined: put on a pair of pants that give you little room in the waist. Nothing crazy, just comfortable. You could probably fit a size smaller, but these fit a little big. Note the number of the waist in inches. This is NOT your size. Your size is 2 inches bigger in dress pants. Your size is 4 inches bigger in Jeans. You are not in a play, don't wear tights.



P.S. There is one thing returning from the 80's I can get down with: The Expendables. This is the 80's at its BEST. Stalone, Willis, Arnold. Dolph. Together. In a movie. BEST. Thing. Ever. I will see this multiple times in the theater. Sadly Steven Segal isn't join in the fun. Van Damme is also absent. Maybe he is "getting in character" for Breakin 3. If the picture to the right isn't immediately recognizable to you, do yourself a favor a search for "Van Damme Breakin" on youtube.