Best Plant Ever: Bamboo

When I think of Bamboo, I think of the Pandas at the San Francisco Zoo. Those fat bastards would sit there all day long and eat big chunks of that junk. They loved that stuff so much, you could throw one of those famous, SF Zoo Pink Popcorn bars into the cage and those gumpy, black and white bums wouldn't pay it any mind.








Well it turns out Bamboo has many other uses. I slept in some sheets made of Bamboo last night and woke up with a spring in my step and a positive outlook on the day (it only took 2 emails at work to kill my positivity). A quick glance at wikipedia, and I discovered that from Bamboo you can make; clothes, flooring, fencing, a bicycle, a Chinese bridge, musical instruments and a salt-water filter.

My research has led me to the solution to all of the world's environmental problems; slash and burn the rain forests, plant Bamboo, give Michael a Nobel Prize. You're welcome world.

Worst Vacation Ever: Camping

So let me get this straight, I have some time off work and you want me to give up all the comforts and amenities that I've worked to acquire and go sleep in a tent? No thanks, you go ahead.

I've heard all arguments for camping:
"You can get really drunk", I can do that at home.
"You can get away from it all", what am I running from?

I've never understood the allure of camping, it just doesn't make sense. I own a bed, I'll pass on a sleeping bag. There's a hierarchy to sleeping arrangements, it goes, outside, outside with a tent and finally, indoors. If I was caught up in some form of natural disaster, I'm sure a tent would seem like a gift straight from Jesus, but until then, I'll be sleeping inside.

Worst Brothers Ever: Michael and Aaron

After witnessing Michael and Aaron's complete lack of devotion to this blog, I have come to realize that they are the worst brothers ever. Maybe, by posting, Michael and Aaron can redeem their status of Best Brothers Ever. But until then, they are the worst.

Best TV Channel Ever: MTV

As a professional TV watcher and a budding TV connoisseur, I can say with all confidence that MTV is the best channel on TV. There is no place where I can watch a show about 16 year old pregnant girls and then right after watch a show about a professional skateboarder and his body guard best friend playing tricks on their family members. The cornucopia of various reality shows, animated dramas, comedy shows, prank shows, and the occasional music-based show creates a viewing sensation unlike anything else. MTV is the farmers market of the TV world. Real World is your staple organically grown green apple (a show you can always rely on season after season), while a show like Next is similar to a bunch of raspberries (you watch it, but it turns out that most of the episodes are bad...).

16 and Pregnant and Real World/Road Rules Challenge are the gems of MTV. 16 and Pregnant with its drama and intensity is a guaranteed tear jerker. It delves into the lives of your average teenager dealing with a very adult problem... The raw emotion present is something no one can do without. RW/RR Challenge however is the show to watch when wanting to experience 20-somethings competing for money in the middle of nowhere when given access to an endless supply of alcohol and a limited supply of maturity. A side note: the cinematography in RW/RR Challenge is Emmy worthy.

My only objection to MTV is the one show that has to do with music: TRL. TRL may be the WORST show on TV, all of TV, including Cold Case (yuck), CSI: Miami (ewww), and That 80's Show (what?).

Best Salesman Ever: Vince Offer

I am thoroughly convinced that Vince Offer is the greatest salesman in the history of TV infomercials. Sorry, Aaron, but Mr. T has nothing on the master of the ShamWow and the Slap Chop. I mean let's be honest, I know that I'm going to get the best deal from someone with the last name "Offer".

After watching the ShamWow infomercial upwards of 40 times, I know the entire breakdown of the towel that works when both wet and dry. Did you know that it holds 20X its weight in liquid? And of course I trust the ShamWow and more importantly Vince, becuase Vince told me that it was developed by the Germans and "you know the Germans always make good stuff." Last time that I cut out a portion of my shag carpet and put it on my counter, I too spilled a 2-Liter of Cola! I initially thought that my shag carpet was ruined, but then I remembered watching Vince with his ShamWow...



I also always trust a man who can keep his hoes in line.

Best Outfit Ever: Mr. Coney Island

I honestly don't think any explanation is necessary. Hands down, no questions asked, this is the best outfit I have ever seen in my 17+ years of existence.

Worst Thing Ever: Generic Toilet Paper

Of all the terrible things in the world, generic toilet paper must be the worst. You know those commercials where they soak up various blue liquids (don't ask me what those are because they freak me out too) with different types of toilet paper? Well, the toilet paper used at my high school would most likely disintegrate when put up against a light mist, let alone any sort of blue liquid. I might as well use the toilet seat covers, which surprisingly seem to have a much greater durability than the worst toilet paper in the world.

My high school charges 30,000 dollars worth of tuition and I have to subject myself to the thinest of all paper products? Usually I demand at least a quality 3 ply toilet paper. But the high school administration is disgracing my body with a simple 1/2 ply (which when not used properly can cause chaffing, redness, and irritability). This lack of charity that the administration is showing us by forcing us to use this abomination of a paper product is really concerning. I'm assuming that the administration was dealing with some serious financing dilemmas and decided that no one would notice if they went the cheap Costco route for toilet paper... Well they guessed wrong. I LOVE COSTCO, but no one and I repeat no one likes your 12 cent per 100 sheet toilet paper. Maybe stick to producing cheese in bulk, I think that's where the money is.